PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: Dead Man's Chest - A Bullet Point Commentary

It wasn't my intention to see Dead Man's Chest (or as I like to call it - The Never Ending Sequel) before seeing the original Pirates of the Caribbean, but due to circumstances outside my control, that's exactly what happened. But in all honesty, I had no desire to see either of them. Comedy action fantasy films about pirates aren't really my thing; and Johnny Depp doing a bizarre impersonation of Keith Richards didn't make the concept any more appealing to me. But having now seen Dead Man's Chest, I think I have a good handle on the original. However, I will still restrict my comments solely to the sequel.

• Despite it's record breaking opening weekend, Dead Man's Chest sucks! There's just no better way to put it.
• The concept is overrated as is the unnecessarily convoluted plot.
• The performances are mediocre, including Johnny Depp's overrated characterization of Jack Sparrow.
• The movie is way too long. It felt more like a mini-series than a feature.
• The action is okay at first, but then it just becomes tedious. I hate, hate, hate it when Hollywood unnecessarily drags out action sequences just to fill screen time. Especially when the sequences are repetitive, when there's nothing really at stake, and when they exist purely for their own sake. The sequences involving the giant squid-like creature are especially boring and underwhelming.
• For the most part, the humour is painfully unfunny and only serves to undermine the action and the plot. This may be an unfair comparison, but when I think of Raiders of the Lost Ark, one of the greatest action adventure fantasy films of all time, Spielberg brilliantly manages to infuse the action sequences and the plot with a sense of humour and whimsy while still making the story line absolutely compelling. Dead Man's Chest's attempt at humour gets stale awfully quick and seems more suited for prepubescents than adults.

The bottom line: There's really not much to say about this one. I can't understand what the hype is all about. Is it because Knightley, Bloom and Depp are teen idols? Who knows -- but let's face it, the summer movie landscape is pretty lame this year, so Dead Man's Chest had no real competition. In any case, my experience of the franchise has now been forever tainted. The original may be better, but having seen the sequel, it's not really worth it to me to find out.

On The Rickter-Scale, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest rates a 4 out of 10.

THE RICKTER-SCALE:
10 (A+) – extraordinary, a masterpiece
9.5/9.0 (A) – exceptional, a milestone
8.5/8.0 (A-) – excellent, a classic
7.5/7.0 (B+) – very good, a near classic
6.5/6.0 (B) – good
5.5/5.0 (B-) – fair
4.5/4.0 (C+) – poor
3.5/3.0 (C) – very poor, a near disaster
2.5/2.0 (C-) – terrible, a total disaster
1.5/1.0 (D+) – torture, a catastrophe
0.5/0.0 (F) – abysmal, the end of film as an artform